how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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