where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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