apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
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when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
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I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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