woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
