Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
