She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
