Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
