Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
