i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
