I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
