How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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