More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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