and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
