What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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