Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
