Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
