I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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