Her vagina should come with caution tape.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
