bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
