He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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