Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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