The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
