someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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