Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
