So drunk its hurt
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You ate ashes out of my bong
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