Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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