She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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