my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I didn't notice because vodka
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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