I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
