How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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