if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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