things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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