worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sext me about skeletons
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
