are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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