His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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