you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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