I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
