Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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