I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
