i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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