He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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