Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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