my text book just quoted the cookie monster
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's shark week go big or go home
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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