from now on my penis is your penis
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
