and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
