Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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