On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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