My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
