She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
