so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
