I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
