That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
