I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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