Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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