just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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