when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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