I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
