I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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