The best revenge is premature balding
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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