I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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